I'd oft repeat, to chide
the speaker for such a lame,
one-word comment.
Well, indeed.
I'm in it at the bottom,
Swimming in my own tears
drowning in grief that I
must haul up bucket
by bucket.
But the hauling is needful--
the bucket-at-a time tending
a necessary process.
The grief needs to be felt and
measured--lived through
to measure me--
I do not want to come up short
again, but learn from this
deep, deep hole,
and coming back up,
take this pain, put it to
good use, to see past the
bucket and the baling
and the bawling,
on to the wishes coming true for me.
Wish me well.
I wrote this poem the day after I was terminated from a job I thought was perfect for me--teaching four year olds with Head Start. Alas, it was 'not a good fit' (I love semantics) and my heart was ripped out of my chest as I was let go and told to pack up without coming back. I never even got to say goodbye to the children.
Several weeks on the other side of the experience, it's clear God had a much better plan in mind, but it was a dark, dark time to go through. Now the pain has subsided, it was easier to put into print.
Oh, Jody....I'm just now reading this. So sorry for the pain of it all, but grateful you are on this side of the experience and there is Light.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Patricia. I appreciate your kind comments.
DeletePlease consider this comment a virtual hug! It breaks my heart that such a loving, sweet-natured woman as you would be considered ill-fitted for a Head Start teacher!! I concur that God has a much better plan in mind, one that will give sense to the pain you've experienced.
ReplyDeleteSeveral years ago I was caught up in the down-sizing of the private school where I had taught for twenty years. At the end of year #16 I had received an "Excellence in Teaching" award. So why was I one of those chosen to be demoted to teaching assistant? No reason was given.
I, too, went through a dark time. Humiliation and embarrassment pressed in hard. Not long after the painful announcement, I sat down for my quiet time and opened my Bible first instead of the study guide. Silly me. I didn't even know yet what scripture passage would be the focus!
The next verse of the study turned out to be John 13:7. Imagine my surprise to realize I had just flipped open to that exact chapter! In fact, the verse was at the top of the page!! Before I read the words, I felt the Spirit saying to me, "Nancy, this verse is for you." Here's what I read:
"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
Granted, applying that statement to my situation took the words out of context. But sometimes God does that with his Word.
Now, we've moved to a new community, and I've returned to another love: writing. Frequently I remind myself the results of my efforts are in God's hands. Someday in the future, with the benefit of hindsight, I'll be able to see what he was doing all along.
I pray that verse speaks as powerfully to you as it did to me, Jody. You are a gifted, multi-talented, creative woman. So rest up over the holidays, because God's not going to leave you jobless for long! He does indeed have bigger and better plans in mind!
Much love,
Nancy
Nancy, God's answer was pretty swift (about a week and a half later). I'm now substituting.....it's the best 'fit' ever. :-)
DeleteI appreciate your support and kind words.
Change is always hard. I am sorry you couldn't say good bye to the little one's that probably was more hard on you than losing the job itself. I say press forward and wait in great expectation of this new year. Good things could be waiting in the proper time.
ReplyDeletemy dear Jody --
ReplyDeletepraying that you are able to continue surrendering to His hand, even when His work is beyond comprehension. I do indeed wish you well in the well, knowing that He Who began this work will be faithful to complete it!